Romeo and Juliet retold by Sahana.


As I flipped parathas for their lunch, I overheard Sahana telling Ryan the story of Romeo and Juliet. I peeked from the kitchen to survey the scene. Both were seated at the kitchen table in anticipation of lunch, Ryan was round eyed in rapt attention, while Sahana, very animatedly, told the famous love story. Albeit a bit differently than how the bard had said. I requested her to write it down for me so I could document one summer afternoon of storytelling for posterity. She obliged.

This is her narrative.

So a long, long time ago in some Italian place there was a kid name Romeo and he was completely, totally, tragically in love with this total hottie named Rosalind. And who knows, she mighta had the hots for him back ‘cept she was trainin’ to be a nun and all.

But our man Rom was deeepressed. He sat in front of her tower day in and day out, not eating or sleeping, just thinking about her hotness. One day, two of his homeboiiz, Mercutio(Merc) and Benvolio(Big Bad Benny) came up to him.

“Yo Romeo, homez, me ‘nd Merc gon’ crash the old Cap masquerade. You comin’, you dig?” Big Benny informed.

“Nah Big Bad B, that ain’t for me. I’d rather sit here all sad and stuff,” Rom responded.

“Nah, brah, ‘t’weren’t your choice, you comin’ regardless, dig?” said BBB.

“Fine man. As long as Pops don’t find out.”

See the Caps and the Montague’s(our boy Romeo’s fam) were total enemies, so if Rom’s Pop found out, our boiz’d be screwed.

So the three boiiz crashed the Old Cap Mansion and Rom bumped into a girl six years younger than him and fell head over heels in love with her, only this time the feeling was reciprocated. There was a problem though: the girl, Juliet, was Mr. Capulet’s baby gurl. Disregarding this, the two decided to get married and stay together till death do them part. Rom got his homeboi the Friar to marry them, which he did with some complaints but in the end relented. Neither fam was allowed at the wedding cuz no one else knew bout #Ruliet.

One day, Merc, Rom’s main man, fought Tybalt in the streets. Fighting in the streets was punishable by death, so when Tybalt killed Mercutio, not only was Romeo piiiissed, he also had good reason to kill him. Big Bad Benny told Rom to run away, because the Prince Guy In Charge had out-lawed street fighting and Romeo was gonna be killed or worse, expelled from the town. So Rom ran away.

When Juliet heard that her hubby had killed her cuzz she was like “Oh HELL nah that ain’t cool,” but she forgave Romeo cuz #truluv and all. Prince Guy In Charge did in fact banish RomRom for killing that SOB and Rom being the sad hombre that he was, fled.

Now Mr. Cap wanted Juliet to marry an über cute, über rich studmuffin named Paris but she wanted OUT so she got the ancient equivalent of a coma-causer and she passed out.

Rom heard that his wifey had “”died”” so he scurried back in town and poisoned himself over her tomb after killing Paris who was going to visit her(did I mention Paris was a total studmuffin). Juliet woke up with dead Rom on top of her so she said a speech and took his dagger and stabbed herself.

The Old Peeps walked in and saw the young ‘uns dead, and they were like ‘our fight is dumb’. BUT IT WAS KINDA TOO LATE FOR THAT OMG and then they put up #Ruliet statues and everyone lived happily ever after except for Mercutio, Tybalt, Paris, Romeo, and Juliet.

I laughed and laughed.

 

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